From the desk of Liesl St. James - Ruth. Finally - some chicks are in this book!

So the next book in this odyssey we call the Bible is the book of Ruth. It’s a self contained novella inside the bible. No kidding. It’s actually just a random story someone set in there. Like if someone opened up Moby Dick and just stapled in a copy of The Kite Runner on page 183 or something. Just a completely random story that has nothing to do with anything. The story goes a little something like this:

There was an Israelite family from Bethlehem. Elimelech and Naomi. They had tow sons, Mahlon and Chilion. Mahlon marries Ruth, Chilion marries Orpah. Interestingly enough (and this will be probably the only thing you take from this story) Orpah is what Oprah’s name was supposed to be. But it was misspelled on the birth certificate. So she ended up Oprah instead of Orpah. Anyway, all the boys die. Elimelech, Mahlon, and Chilion, leaving the 3 widows. Naomi, the mother in law, tells the two daughter in laws to go back to their own families to they can be married off to new men and make babies and such. Orpah, the hussy, goes. Ruth says “no thanks, I’ll stay with you”.

So Ruth and Naomi are chilling, but they’re poor. It’s barley harvest time, so Ruth goes into the fields to glean. It’s a biblical order that farmers leave the corners of their fields unharvested so poor people can glean the remaining food from those spots. To this day you’ll still see unharvested corners in fields in Kansas. True Story. Anyway, Ruth goes to the fields of a guy named Boaz. Kinda like Jessica’s last name. He likes Ruth and likes that’s she’s kind to her mother in law, even though it’s not required. I GUARANTY that if Sean died, I would not continue to be nice to his mom. Hell, I can’t really claim I’m nice now.

Turns out, Boaz is a close relative to Naomi’s husband’s family. So he’s required by Levirate law to marron Mahlon’s widow, Ruth, in order to carry on the family line. Naomi tells Ruth to go to Boaz at night as he sleeps on the thrashing floor and uncover him. Ruth does so, and reminds him that he has the right to “redeem” her (did I mention this story is Biblical porn?). Well, Boaz likes Ruth (maybe she had the girls out, if you know what I’m saying), and oh, boy, he wants to do some redeeming. But there is a relative closer to Elimelech who has a more legitimate right to “redeem” Ruth. Boaz goes to the guy and says “hey, there’s this hottie named Ruth. You want to ‘redeem’ her, if you know what I’m saying?!?” And the other guy thinks about it but says “nah, chicks are nothing but trouble. If I ‘redeem’ her, she’ll get all clingy and demand half of my estate. I don’t want her taking my stuff, and the prenuptial agreement won’t be a legally binding document for a couple thousand years. You can have her.”

So Boaz goes back to Ruth. They get married and ‘redeem’ like bunnies. Producing a son named Obed.

That’s it. That’s the entire story. The bible proper picks up in the next chapter.