Now for a word from our sponsors...

Ok, the commercial opens up on two teens. Say 16 years old. They’re laying in your typical teenaged bedroom totally making out (picture Jessica about 11:00 Friday night). The room is lit by a lava lamp and some sort of neon sign. Clothes all over the place (though the teens are still fully clothed).

Girl teen: Ryan, I think I’m ready. I think we should do it.
Ryan (trying to be cool, but as a 16 year old boy, completely unable to be cool in such a situation, maybe his voice cracks a little bit) REALLY! OK! *ahem* I mean, if you think you’re ready baby. My parents won’t be back from their bowling league until 11 or so. Maybe we could even do it twice by then.

[the astute watcher notices the clock on the bedside says 10:38 and laughs knowing for a 16 year old boy, that’s about right]

Handsome middle aged man walks out of the closed (picture Pierce Brosnan): Parents, is this your worst nightmare? Knowing that you can’t always be there to watch your teens and keep them on the right track. Well, if you can’t always be there, there is someone who can. God can be there. God can make sure they make the right decisions.

[scene pans back to the kids on the bed, boy rushes to push off the comforter and is confronted by the bloody picture of Jesus on his sheets, bleeding and sweating, topped with a crown of throns dying on the cross}

Ryan [in more pain that he has ever felt]: Babe, I’m not so sure.
Girl teen: Yeah, I think I was supposed to be home by 10:30 anyway. I’m just going to head…

Pierce Brosnan: Now you can always make sure your teens keep to Christ’s path. With our new Keep It In Your Pants sheet set, you can make sure they know that even if you aren’t watching, God is. Our product line covers all major religions. Christian? Your child will sleep peacefully on Jesus’s face as he’s being executed. Buddhist? We’ve got Buddha! But he’s not looking peaceful and serene – he looks shocked and appalled. Hindu? Vishnu won’t be pleased. And for you Muslims and Jews, or anybody else who can’t draw a picture of their religious icon, we’ve got sheets with two kindly old grandparents looking at you as though they’d like to bake you some cookies and tell you a story about how much movies cost when they were kids. Or you could upgrade to our new deluxe model – you send us your pictures, we’ll print them on the sheets so you CAN always be there, watching your kids.

Ryan: Maybe we’ll get together tomorrow night…at your house…
Girl teen [thought bubble comes out of her head, showing her bedroom…she sees her father’s face on her sheets] maybe we’ll just go get ice cream at a public place and then go pray.
Ryan: Ok. That IS what Jesus would do.

Pierce Brosnan: Keep It In Your Pants. 100% effective, 100% of the time.