From The Desk of Liesl St. James - Water Water Everywhere

The next story we must all know and learn from is of Noah and the flood. Another great Genesis tale.


It goes a little something like this:

God looked down at what he created and sighed. “Kids these days! No respect for me. They just sit around having homosexual sex and worshipping golden cows and all sorts of other crap. Well, I’ll show them!”

So he found a drunk named Noah. I guess he was the best guy he could find, what with the planet being all morally bankrupt and whatnot. So he said “Noah! Put down that whiskey and build a boat. An ark. And put all the animals on it.”


Noah looked at his bottle of whiskey astounded. He’d been on binders before, but this was new. Maybe someone slipped some of that desert cactus that makes you all crazy in there during the distilling process.

“A boat! Blimey. I don’t want to build a boat. And animals?!?! My wife won’t let me wear shoes on the carpet, much less fill a boat with animals!”

“I said animals. Hop to.” Then god probably crashed a lightening bolt about 10 feet from Noah to show he was serious.

“But God. Animals? Two of them? What about the animals that don’t get along? Like lions and zebras? And Do I have to bring mosquitos? And my son is allergic to bee stings. Can we please leave those behind? And what about the honey badgers? They’re vicious – they don’t kill you, they just rip off your testicles! Do we really need to keep those around?”


“Are you questioning me?!?!” [another lightening bolt, this time a little closer – funny how in my version, the Christian god is kinda like Zeus]

“No, no. I’m not questioning you. I was just getting to work on my boat.”

So Noah built a boat. Why his wife stayed with him, I don’t know. So he loaded it was all sorts of fighting, reeking, pooping, angry animals. Then it started to rain. Finally, I guess, his wife got on board with the boat plan and grabbed the kids and climbed on board.

40 days and 40 nights it rained. Everything got wet, Noah’s wife’s hair was all frizzy. And the boat drifted around. The kids were in charge of keeping the animals that fought apart, though this was hard with, like, the lions who fight with everybody. And everybody dodged the honey badgers.

After 150 days, the ark came to rest on the tip of Mount Ararat. Noah sent a raven out to check things out. He came back after a while without news. Figuring it’s because ravens are sort of tools, he sent a dove to look. The dove came back and said there was no place to land. Sigh.

So they waited 150 more days. It seemed like the waters were receding. And Noah couldn’t stand another day with his wife. She was always bitching about how the house smelled like a barn and they didn’t have a yard for the kids and blah blah blah. “Listen, woman, I could have let you drown! I could have picked up that hot little red head down the street for this journey instead!” Noah would yell. The kids would go hide in the dog kennels to avoid the squabbling. Noah would then turn back to his project of turning 40 days of rain into alcohol.

So he sent another dove out. The dove came back with an olive branch in its beak. So he knew the waters had to have receded enough that the tree tops were showing. 150 more days and he sent another dove out. This one didn’t return. So he figured they were good to go. He opened up all the hatches and let the animals run free.

God looked down at the world now. Yes, all the wickedness was gone, but so was everything else. “Hmmmm…” he thought. “Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.” So he and Noah, who was now in charge of repopulating the earth, pinky swore that God would never hit the reboot button again. So live it up, kids! God PINKY SWORE!!! He won’t blight us out anymore!