From The Desk of Liesl St. James - Cain and Able bake Cinnabons

Maybe learning your next Bible story will help you pass the time.

When we last left our friends Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and Seth, they had been cast out of the garden of Eden for eating the forbidden fruit.

When next we find them, Cain and Abel have gone forth into the world and found themselves wives (WHERE?!?! I don’t know. Don’t question the bible!!)

Cain has become a farmer.

Abel has become a shepherd.

Independently, they decide they’re going to go ahead and offer up some sweet sacrifices to god. Why? I don’t know. He banished their parents to eternal struggle and toil for eating figs. Not exactly the god I’d be sending presents to.

Cain grew some wheat, cut it down, and offered it up. “Look, God! Look what I made you! Some sweet assed wheat! You could totally make some cinnamon buns with this!” God looked down, examined the wheat and said “Meh. It’s ok, I guess. But overall, it’s a pretty crappy sacrifice for someone who made all this. I think you could do better.”

Abel went to his herd and slaughtered a fat sheep as a sacrifice. “Look, God! I slaughtered you this bitchin’ sheep! You could totally make sheep bacon with this, and sheep jerky, and lamb with mint sauce. It’s awesome!” God replied “DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN!!!! You’re right. That is awesome. That is easily the best sacrifice I’ve seen all day. Way better than those crops your brother gave me. I am going to bless you with a fruitful wife and fat sheep and all sorts of other goodies. You rock, Abel!”

Cain saw all this and got pissed. Reject my sacrifice but like his? Hell to the no! So he rang up Abel. “Say, bro. Let’s go look at my sweet fields.” Abel, always being one to look at fields, said “Sure! I’ll be right over.”

So Cain took him out in the field and killed him. Some say with the jaw of an ox. How you kill someone with the jaw of an ox, I don’t know. And this was the first murder. But instantly Cain felt awful for what he did and started moping like a whiny teenager. God saw this and was all “What’s up, Cain? Where’s your brother?” To which Cain replied “Leave me alone! I’m not my brother’s keeper!” God said “Caaaaaiiiinnnnn, where’s Abel?” “Ok, I killed him.” “Yeah, I know. I’m God.” “I just want to die!” said Cain. “Well tough cookies!” said God. And he put a mark on Cain’s head that let the world know (what world?!?! There were only 5 of them!!) that nobody would ever be allowed to kill him. Then he cast Cain out into the world and made him wander in his shame and regret for his entire life and nobody was ever allowed to kill him because it was written on his forehead “don’t kill this guy, [signed] God.”